Bend Over- Meditations on Flying in America

I have heard tell that once upon a time, in a land of promise and prosperity known as America, travelling by airplane was a thing of glamor and beauty. Families would don their Sunday best and be escorted through a shiny terminal to the destination of their choice accompanied by well-trained and tempered service professionals who would procure for them blankets, beverages both alcoholic and non, four star meals and reading materials of their choice. The compartments were spacious, the companions delightful and the children heavily tranquilized with liquor.

No more.

Flying today resembled nothing else so much as being on the bus in the movie Speed. You're hurtling through the air, cramped, unable to escape, and the person you must intrust your life and luggage too is too busy hating you to care whether you live, die or need and extra pillow- not that you can have an extra pillow, because there no longer are pillows. Pillows, blankets, magazines, snacks, and apparently the souls of most flight attendants have gone the way of the dodo due to "budget cuts". What budget are they cutting? Northwest has declared bankruptcy, is fighting with it's unionized workers, and is basically hemorraging money left and right, and yet they continue to fly all their newly-hired workers to Minneapolis just to get a urine sample. I'm sure you couldn't find anyone to do that testing in DC, or Alaska, or wherever the hell you live. And the executives certainly aren't taking the hit- you would think they could find .50 cents out of their gi-normous paycheck to front me some f-ing peanuts, but no. I now have to pay anywhere from $2-$5 for some lousy "snack-box" during my three and a half hour flight.

I was flying Northwest Airline (aka NWA- Norwegians with Attitude)to New York City, and while it wasn't the most hellish flight I've ever been on (that was American to Chicago when they stranded me at Christmas), it certainly was up there with voluntary dental surgery. First of all, there is the routine full body cavity search you are subjected to at check in- now I've spoken before about the TSA and how I feel about people with GEDs being the only line of defense between me and Crazy the Shoe Fire bandit, but now things are even more out of hand. Before my flight I was very responsible and checked the FAA website for the list of things one could take on board and what needed to be in check luggage. Here's a run down:

4 oz of KY Jelly- totally fine
Gel Filled Bras- a-ok
Cigar cutter- no problem
water- um, only terrorists and commies drink water (seriously, I saw TSA make a child pour out their sippy cup before boarding a flight... because a tiny Japanese tourist baby is going to be packing heat)
toothpaste- Oh, SWEET JESUS, hide the kiddies!

Sooooo... apparently you can have one helluva rockin' orgy on the plane (what are you doing with a half of a cup of KY jelly? How long is your flight?), but absolutely no fresh breath or moisturized skin. Martha Stewart should get involved in this craziness- she could develop a whole line of makeup and skin care products based on personal lubricant. Who knew KY was such a great hair gel?

Moving on from that ridiculousness, we are met with the flight itself. Now, American asses are getting bigger, anyone can tell you that. But planes are getting smaller in conjuction, to meet up togethger in the perfect storm of uncomfortable. I have actually read an article that stated that for shorter flights Northwest is looking to develop a standing "seat", ie a plank of wood onto which passengers will be strapped in like Hannibal Lecter. Does no one else see a problem with this? How can that be safe? We aren't astronauts, this isn't space camp, let the people sit down for God's sake. Of course, we'll have to pay top dollar for the priviledge of being lashed to our "chairs" like Odysseus avoiding the Sirens.

At this point I can say with all seriousness that the experience of riding the New York City Subway was far and away a more enjoyable one than flying pretty much anywhere. At least on the subway i can listen to my iPod without fear that I'm going to bring the plane down. How can anyone really believe that? How is listening to the Postal Service on the ascent of a flight going to jam the circuts? The thing is self contained, it doesn't receive or emit a signal of any sort. Are the electronic systems of most modern aircraft so delicate and fickle that they can be brought to a crashing halt by something with less communicative power than a walkman?