What the Hell is Wrong with Boys/ Men? (Not Boys II Men, I Hear they are Planning a Comeback)

I knooooooow that this might be like beating a dead horse, but seriously, men, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT??????

I have tried to understand it. My girlfriends have tried to understand it. We have spoken at length on the subject, drunk, sober, happy, sad, sleepy, caffinated, whatever. You all never make a damn bit of sense. Like Janeane Garafalo said in "500 cigarettes: "You're all like roving packs of giant babies."

You might be wondering what has taken the lid off the ever-simmering pot of my endless disappointment in the male of the species. Well. Let me count the ways. First of all, there was my encounter with Brian 3 weeks ago. I met Brian, who lives in California, at a theatre conference, and we hit it off immediately. We had conversations that lasted for hours on end, and we were up until 5am every morning just talking and kissing and relishing each other's company. We met on Thursday night and spent the next three days pretty much together. During this time, he mentioned more than once wanting to come see me this summer, how I have opened up parts of him that he thought were closed off, how he is happier with me then he's been in years, yada fucking yada. Now, ordinarily, I would think that this is all a ploy just to sleep with me ( BTW, I'm on this new kick where I don't sleep with anyone... fun), but I could tell he was being genuine. For one thing he was too theatre geeky for that kind of game. So, Sunday afternoon, after we have spent the last 16 hours in bed, cuddling, fooling around a bit, talking, talking, talking, him saying I want to come see you (again!), him not wanting to let me get up to get about the day, finally we part company so he can go to a workshop and he says he'll call after it's over. I think things are going great, I'm super excited to meet a great guy, and I think my new plan of being open minded and not sleeping with people so quickly is working like a charm. THEN, after being away from me at a conference for 4( count 'em 4!) hours he calls me up and says, and I quote: "Since you aren't moving to California any time soon I don't see where this is going. We should just let it be what it was."

How do you go from wanting to see me over the summer to never wanting to see me again in 4 hours, during which I'm not even present? I could maybe understand it if I was with him, but without even being around me? Do I have relationship ruining telepathic powers? Is that like some awful, superpower? Man-Panic-Inducing Girl?

This has happened to me before, readers. It's like some weird pheromone thing or something- when I'm with a guy it's like they can't get enough, but as soon as I'm out of visual range, it's like they forget who I am. Over the phone I'm a total stranger, but when I see them again, it's like I was what was missing from their lives. I need to create some sort of hologram, or like a Hala-patch or something, because this is getting fucking ridiculous.

So that's my personal boy trauma of late, but that in and of itself is not worth the anger. What I'm more angry about is the pattern that I see emerging in the relationships of my friends, and I think the above story is merely a short-term demonstration of the same basic tendency. In the last year no less than 4 different friends of mine, in various stages of committment from months to years, have had their boyfriends/signifigant others freak the fuck out on them. There is an epidemic of men of a certain age (approximately 27-32) , within relationships, one day waking up and deciding that they are giant whiny toddlers who blame everyone else for their problems and no longer want to play house despite all the things they've said to their partners to the contrary. It's disheartening, and really disturbing. What's most disturbing is the sense that I get that most of these men don't actually realize they don't want any of this until it is far too late, and they are far too invested, and so they keep playing the part in the hopes that eventually it will all be ok, and it just isn't. So they lash out at their partners, because they blame them for causing this unhappiness, when really it was their own lack of self-awareness that caused the problem in the first place. And this brings me to the bigger issue: trust. People are always telling me to put more trust in men, but how can you trust a person to be honest with you, when they aren't even aware they are lying to themselves?

What has caused this epidemic, is what I wonder. I think maybe part of it is that gender roles in this country have become unclear, which is some ways is good, what with equal pay and woman in the workplace and all, but I think also makes it difficult to know what "being a man" or "being a woman" means. There aren't as many clear cut duties for either gender as there once was, and now it's becoming more and more acceptable to get married later, or not at all. And yet, in some parts of the country (and I do think this is a midwest and south issue more than a coastal one), it's still pretty much expected that people will graduate high school, go to college, get married, and have babies. Except that that construct is no longer as satisfying as it once was. There is a great big world out there, and there are a lot of things to see and do prior to settling down. And now that divorce and "starter marriages" have become more and more accepted, there isn't the same "grin and bear it" philosophy at play in unhappy arrangements that there once was. And that's a good thing- I don't want anyone to stay together when they are unhappy, but there is a difference between irreconcilable differences and just cutting out when things get at all difficult. Which leads me to my second theory, that part of it is that we as a generation are pretty lazy. We benefit from helicopter parents who let us move back home and pay our bills and fix our lives, we are used to an instant gratification so severe that we can get literally anything we want at the touch of a button, and under those conditions the struggle and pain of a relationship that takes work seems like an awful lot to put up with. And then finally, my final theory has to do with women, and with our seemingly complete inability to tell a man up front what we want and expect. We are taught that to "catch a man" we have to let them think we want what they want, and so we sublimate and sublimate and sublimate our needs to the point where they become non-existent. Then, 5-6 months into a relationship, we remember that our feelings and desires matter too, and the man is so confused that we are arguing with them or changing our tune because we were alway so amenable in the past. And that is our fault, not theirs. People, men and women, have to be upfront about what they need. They have to make it clear from the get go, or no one is going to be happy for very long.

So these experiences have lead me to certain rules: 1) Never marry a man under 30, because something happens to them and they freak out. I've been on the receiving end of one of these freak outs, and it is not pretty. It usually involves cheating, lying, or some combination of equally destructive behaviors, and you want to steer clear. Even this isn't a clear cut rule, though, because sometimes it isn't the actual age, it's their emotional age and the amount of committment they are ready for. Or not ready for, as the case may be. 2) No matter what a man says to you, take it with a grain of salt. This unfortunately includes the words "I do". 3) Be as honest as possible, and right away. Maybe this sounds extreme, or bitter, or whatever, but I'm looking out for myself and for my friends. And to the gentlemen of our generation (with a few notable exceptions): Man the fuck up. Because if another one of you pieces of crap messes with my girls, you'll have one angry, short Palestinian to deal with. And my people make bombs, so you know I mean business.