My New Weight Watchers Meeting is Next to an Old Country Buffet

Seriously, that's just bad comedy.

Not that I would ever eat at an Old Country Buffet, but still... Welcome to America! The land of excess, binging and purging and a guilt-based diet culture. I should take a picture and submit it to the New Yorker. I just think it's cruelty, really, because a lot of people with weight problems also have budget problems, and enjoy a low-priced cornucopia in the vein of OCB. To me, that's the major problem with weight in this country, we make it too damn easy and affordable to put it on, and way too expensive to lose it. It's easy enough to say "eat less, exercise more", but when you live in Minnesota and working out requires a membership to an indoor gym 9 months of the blessed year, weight becomes a class issue. Fat used to mean affluence, but now it signals a lower standard of living, someone who doesn't take care of themselves and has no self control. That's an oversimplifacation of the situation, and it's quickly becoming an epidemic in this country. Our kids are sedentary and unhealthy, and our adults feel powerless to stop it. I have a suggestion:

Calm the fuck down.

Now let me unpack that for you, and trust me, I know whereof I speak. It's one thing to listen to Susan Power's skinny ass go on and on about "the insanity", but real madness is listening to someone who's been thin their whole life talk about weight loss. I'm not saying some who is thin can't have adequate perspective on maintaining a healthy weight and lifestyle, of course they can and do, but I'm talking about losing. And you can't understand losing if you've never lost, and never had to. What we really need is women like Wendy the Snapple Lady talking about weight loss. She hasn't been very successful, but at least I can appreciate her perspective. The nice thing about Weight Watchers is that everyone that works there has had a sustained weight loss for like, decades. I can trust them. So the first part of my CTFD theory is stop listining to over-pumped fitness gurus who do nothing more with their days then work out. You will learn nothing from them short of how to feel woefully inadequate, and that ain't gonna help, sunshine.

Next, stop with the low fat/fat free foods. I know this sounds radical, but seriously, fat tastes good, and if you are enjoying what you are eating, eating less of it isn't going to piss you off half as bad as it could. Also, keep in mind that some of that flavor must be replaced, and what replaces it is usually sugar, which your body turns into fat at the end of the day anyway, so you're screwed. I'm not talking about skim milk, but I am talking about fat free cheese. That's fucking card board, and cannot be good for you. Look at the label. If you can't pronounce half the ingredients, let alone know what they are, do not under any circumstances swallow it. Calm down, take a breath, and remember what your mama told you: was it, "eat processed soy product melted on your egg substitute and suck it down with some fat free bread while you are at it?" I'm betting not (and fat free bread? Seriously, how much fat is in a slice of whole grain bread, like .5?). I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of "eat your veggies and drink you milk". Eat food, not food product. We get so excited about the next big low fat-no fat-food type thing that we forget that food's principle point is NOURISHMENT, not weight loss. When did we forget how to eat food in this country? I was in the supermarket today to buy some salad dressing, and all but the organic granola-eating-hippie salad dressings had high fructose corn syrup as the primary ingredient. When was the last time you wanted to pour some Karo syrup on your tossed greens? Yum. You know what's a no fat salad dressing? Balsamic vinegar. Lemon Juice. Even Soy Sauce. If you seriously don't want any fat, don't fill that void with the magic of modern chemistry. That's what gave us the A-bomb.

The third component of the soon to be pattented CTFD Theory of weight management is to slow down. Stop making life so f-ing stressful. We do it to ourselves, and we know it. We don't have to do everything, it is entirely permissible to sit on our asses watching bootleg copies of the Closer. But, while doing that all important ass-sitting, we can also be cooking a normal, food-only dinner, comprised of normal things like fish, vegetables, rice, whatever. The point is, when we are stressed out we make poor choices about everything. Our food choices under pressure, like a deadline, are the dietary equivalent of the complete fuck-up you walk out of the bar with at closing time. Your judgement is clouded by the time crunch, and what seems like a perfectly sensible decision at 2am makes your stomach turn a couple hours later. This nauseous feeling is true for both boys and greasy fast food.

Of course I started this all talking about the obesity epidemic with our children, and I think it's coupled with an overall epidemic of eating disorders, whether over or under. We do not have a healthy relationship with food as a nation, and it is quite literally killing us. I, like most American females, wish they would publish a list of the publicists, personal traners, chefs, clothing consultants, designers, etc. that help make our celebrities what they are. If they could just do that, I think I would get exhausted just looking at the list and feel sorry for the poor, beautiful creatures. But publishers don't do that, and so our daughters are growing up thinking it's perfectly possible, and in fact necessary to look like Jessica Simpson. We don't value health in this country, we value aesthetics, and if you don't fit into that aesthetic, well, hopefully you are smart. I don't understand how we got back here, obsessing about our weight and comparing ourselves with magazines, hoping a boy will notice us. What happened to Women's Lib? Even feminists these days are participating in strip aerobics and buying Us Weekly. And I guess that's their choice, but I feel that I know or know of far too many women my age who are just biding their time in their careers until they can nab a husband, and it makes me feel dirty.

What does that dynamic have to do with weight? Well ultimately what we are telling ourselves is that only thin people are worthy of love. I cringed inwardly at the moment in Little Miss Sunshine when Olive's father (played so on-spot annoying by Greg Kinnear) tells her that ice cream will make her fat and if she's fat she can't be a beauty queen. I cringed today when I was at Weight Watchers and saw an anorex-ercising mom bring in her daughter. The daughter was tall and maybe a little overweight, but clearly solid and in excellent shape. I overheard them talking, and the daughter was swimming 3 hours a day as the captain of the swim team! Why the fuck was she there? I hated that mother. I felt like smacking her I was so angry on behalf of that girl. What was it going to take for the mother to be proud of her daughter? What clothing size equals love? What did the scale have to say before she could be happy with the beautiful young woman she had raised, apparently in-between trips to the treadmill? So when I say Calm the Fuck Down, ultimately what I really want is for people to take stock of what is important in their lives. I think when they do that, really do that, their weight might become much less important, and once we stop obsessing about it, we just might be fine. The chatter isn't going anywhere, but no one says you have to listen.

Now, just file with entry under "if only Hala could take her own advice." I'll keep you posted.