I'm a Bad Artist

So I just realized that it's been over two weeks since I posted something on this blog. How awful of me. I've probably completely alienated my fan base. I've definitely been keeping busy, if it's any consolation, with meetings and protests about Israel's ridiculous war, weddings, visits from the Mommy, and work-party boat cruises. Obviously some things were more fun than others....

There is something that I have been meaning to confess to you all, my gentle readers, and it is this: I am a Bad Artist. The Fringe Festival as once again come to town and once again I am overflowing with apathy. I could literally not care less that this is going on, which always makes me feel slightly dirty, as though my theatre degree is going to animate itself and kill me with a thousand papercuts. I'm proud to live in a city and a state that houses this awesome theatre festival, but man, I just don't wanna go! Every year I read a list of the shows that are playing, literally hundreds of different things, and not a one catches my eye. And so I have come to realize, even accept, that I am just a bad artist.

I don't mean bad like Carrot Top is bad, believing props to be a legitimate medium for expression. I do fancy myself a decent performer, director and *ahem* writer. I mean bad in terms of my committment to being a participant or spectator to other people's artwork. I'm not big on supporting others, lets be honest. It takes a lot to convince me a show is worth seeing, and I don't know if this makes me an aesthete or just lazy. The Pre-Raphaelites struggled with that distinction too, and they were brilliant artists. Shitty human beings, maybe, but the kids could paint. I think the problem is really that deep down I find nothing more abhorrent than bad theatre (ok, obviously that's not true, killing puppies or stealing from orphanages is probably worse, but unless you're Snidley Whiplash you're just not going to see as much of those things as you will see truly, deeply, disturbingly bad theatre). Now I speak from experience kids, I have been on both sides of some really horrible pieces of stagecraft. I remember one play in particular where I was overjoyed to have a huge speech cut because it meant I wouldn't have to expose myself to the public and give voice to the drivel that was masquerading as dialogue. Man, that was a bad play. For those of you not in the "biz", when and actor wants less stage time, you're in serious trouble. Trying to make those words sing was like playing a musical saw. Every so often you could hit a note, but most of the time you are rubbing metal on a jagged edge. See? The writing in that play was so bad the memory of it is making my writing bad. Lets move on.

I can't say which is worse, being in a bad play, or being subjected to it. At least watching jarringly bad theatre can be entertaining in it's punishing absurdity. The problem is that I tend to get serious giggle fits when presented with absurdly awful spectacles, as anyone who went to see the show "Tales of Djoha" can attest.I can't control myself when it comes to onstage stupidity, I just lose it. This may create a disruption amongst the more honest, non-schaedenfreude-seeking theatre-goers, but seriously, the only appropriate reaction to a woman pretending to be a demon having sex with an elf-puppet while the music from Pokemon plays in the background is stunned silence followed by horrified laughter. There is no other response that makes sense. I guess walking out might be acceptable, but not nearly as much fun. Plus, when you walk out you have to deal with the sad eyes of the performers, watching you leaving and slowly dying inside with the sheer shame of being in this worthless piece of crap just because they can't admit to their artsy friends that they'd rather be working a desk job then cavorting with low rent muppets.

This is the show I think of when it occurs to me that I am squandering my degree.