Now that I've actually finished the book, "QuirkyAlone", i think we should start with a definition of terms. As defined by Sasha Cagen et. al a QuirkyAlone, or QA, is a person who prefers to be alone rather than compromise their romantic ideals; who values friendships as their primary relationships and builds a family of friends; who can be in relationships but doesn't espouse the "tyranny-of-coupledom" mentality; who understands and lives the distinction between solitude and loneliness, and who are generally quirky, compelling individuals. I of course am a QA, but didn't realize it. I thought I was just a freak who didn't like babies and rejected the ideal of the picket fence for a loft and a vacation home in south beach. Case in point: everytime someone (usually a girl, lets be honest) has a baby they want to parade it around. I'm fine with that, good for them, they shoved something out of their body and they should be proud of that. However. They bring this thing for me to look at and they expect cooing and cuddling and all those typical girly behaviors, and I just can't deliver. I just don't get it up for babies. I don't get what the big fucking deal is. If I wanted something that pooped its pants and couldn't communicate in my life I would still be dating my ex (kidding....sort of). I get why people get all excited about their own babies and I'm sure I'll be the worst offender when I have kids (yes I want kids. It will be like a science experiment...kidding....sort of), but why do they expect everyone else to be all excited? They present me with this baby and look at me all expectant like I'm going to suddenly break out with the googoo gaga crap, and all I can think of is complete, adult sentences, like "my, what an articulate way to express your wants through the medium of the scream. What an elegant social commentary on the commercialism inherent in modern american life. I think i'll join you in your primal yell." Surprisingly enough, that never goes over well with the parents. I've lost many a coworker's trust with that routine. But to them I say, "no one told you to bring your fucking baby to work. This is where I come to do my job, make personal long distance phone calls, and write my blog. Now get your orangutan out of my face."
Ahem. I wasn't much of a babysitter, lets put it that way.
The fact of the matter is that ultimately I do want to be in a relationship and have a family, and I think anyone that spends at least 3.2 minutes with me can see that, but I want to be in a relationship that I haven't encountered yet. Every so often I'll see a kid out of the corner of my eye, and smile, knowing that someday I'll understand what all the hoopla is about. But I don't know if marriage is the right word, or partnership, or whatever. I'm not trying to be new age, I've just been thinking a lot now about what I want out of life, and what I should call the person that could accompany me on that journey. Right now I am loving being with my friends, and being with myself, in a way that I always have but hadn't given myself permission to enjoy. I always thought something was missing from my life because I didn't have a boyfriend (to put it like the junior high kids do), and while I felt fulfilled and loved, it was never enough. Then I actually got a boyfriend, and after much soul-searching and introspection realized that it was absolutely enough, and I was much, much happier without this freeloader taking up all my time and using all my gas to drive his lazy ass around town. I was much happier not being this needy, clingy thing because I thought that was how you demonstrated that you "really cared". I was so afraid of letting him figure out that I really didn't give two shits about his comic books and his beer brewing because I thought we would break up. After we did break up, I realized that if I was afraid to let him know I had no interests in his interests, it probably wasn't worth my time pretending to care and being resentful in the process. Since I broke up with the J-dog I have regained some of the confidence that went on hiatus when I started college and really let myself start to wallow in the joy of being single. I'm sad it took me this long to figure it out, but I think I had to go through all the bad, broken relationships, especially this last one, in order to understand that I'm the only person I can count on being with for the rest of my life, so I better be fan-fucking-tastic.
I don't know what's with all the f-bombs in thsi blog. I'm excited, I guess. I now officially know what to call myself besides militantly feministic and independent.
So what do QAs like to do, you ask? Well, this one likes to go to movies alone. That way no one can yell at me for talking at the characters, laughing too loud, crying, heckling, etc. I'm pretty much a movie-going nightmare, which is why I always reject it as a first date choice, unless I really want to see the movie and I can't afford to see it on my own (admit it, we've all gone on dates not out of desire for the person, but out of desire for a free meal when your cupboard and pocket book are equally bare....of course, this can backfire in the case of a dutch first dater, who is a dying breed because no one is going to sleep with a man that doesn't pay on the first date. I may be a feminist but I'm not stupid). I really like going to movies on my own though because it give me a chance to be alone in public, a hallmark of the QA. It's social, but not socializing, and it allows me to people watch to my hearts content. Plus, I can cry and laugh and engage with the movie one on one, which I find to be the best way to figure out how you really feel about it. You're not thinking about the person beside you, you're not gauging your reaction on theirs, you're just being you, watching a movie. And doing it in public involves some resiliancy, you have to be proud and know that people are watching you. I get dressed up, put on makeup, and open myself up to the possiblities of the universe. I know some people might look at me and pity me, but I think most people see the wry smile on my face and envy my confidence and self possession. And I like that too.
I also like going out to dinner on my own. Usually I'll do this with a book or a paper, but I always go with the hope that I'll get myself into a new adventure. There are a few restaurants that I go to alone so often that I've gotten to know the staff, the owners, the bartenders, and some of the patrons, of which many are doing the same thing that I am. I love eating at the bar at 112 Eatery because I feel like Norm from Cheers, but with much better cocktails and incredible food (Eat there immediately if you haven't already. 112 Eatery, 112 N. 3rd St in Downtown Mpls, 612-343-7697, ask for Nancy, she's the owner and married to Isaac, the chef. You'll probably need a reservation if it's going to be more than just you). I've made friends there, been asked out on dates, introduced important people in my life to other important people in my life, gotten drunk, had my birthday and generally had a whole lot of fun at 112 all because the first time I went there I was entirely, conspicuously and proudly on my own. People are attracted to me when I'm alone, they want to know my story and why I'm out without anyone else. It might start as pity on their part, but more often then not it turns into admiration. Hopefully I've inspired others to do the same. Some people are always going to think it's sad if you are out to dinner or a movie by yourself, but those are probably the same people that go to their 20 year high school reunion because that was the high point of their lives. So I'm usually able to turn that pity right back around.
So, lovelies, I encourage all of you, if you haven't done so already, to spend some quality, one-on-one public alone time with yourself and find out if you are a QA too. It's totally fine if you aren't, but if you find this action strangely freeing, read the book, and learn more.
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