On Soccer Moms and Why I Sincerely Distrust the Suburbs

It has come to my attention that many of my gentle readers were confused about my hatred for the suburbs. I too felt that the post in which I express my dislike of them was short of substance, but this was because I was typing it up at the end of my work day and didn't want to stay here any longer than was absolutely necessary. Some things suffered, some critical points were missed, some animals may have been harmed. This post will have lots of spelling errors for the same reason. Further, the concept of the soccer mom was thrown into the mix, so here I will address my feelings on the "Soccer Mom" heretofore referenced as the SM.

Oh, the SM. It's normal for any woman to be jealous of her. In my darkest moments I must admit even I, Rosie the Riveter herself, has felt the siren song of the Crate and Barrel Life. She is clean, elegant, put together, in possession of all of the signs and symbols of successful womanhood: the kids, the husband, the picket fence, the dog. But there is a dark side to the SM, a secret shame and almost certain madness upon awaking to the fact that this indeed is your life. Witness the horror of the Stepford Wives or Bree on Desperate Housewives, SMs both. "Lives of quiet desperation" is the phrase that most often comes to mind when I think of the SM. And here's why: She is defined by things outside herself, her house, her kids, her car, her husband, even her ann taylor credit card. She is trapped by the trappings of the life she was told to want. Now, this is not to say that there are not women who are satisfied and fulfilled by this life, I'm positive there are, and I am happy for them. Feminism means choice, and that includes the choice to stay home and make a job of raising your family. However. I don't think most women think this choice though. I think they end up sublimating their desires and their rage, and end up as very simple, disappointed people. I've seen it happen with my own to eyes. I had two friends in high-school, both with what would be considered "soccer moms", stay at home moms who worked as a mother and runner of the household. One was joyful, funny, slightly messy and had fun with her kids and her life. She was satisfied and happy. The other one was pinched and bitter, fully believing that she had never lived up to her potential, because she didn't see the potential in being a committed wife and mother. It's all about the choice. Who is making the choice, the woman, her husband, or the society we have surrounded ourselves with? If it's truly her, and she is truly happy, then more power to her. If not, then she needs to play a little Aretha and be ok with the fact that raising children and washing some slobs underwear isn't as fulfilling as everyone made it out to be. It's all about honesty, people.

That being said, I know first hand (ok, I guess technically second hand, but still) that it is possible to be fulfilled by both motherhood and a job. My mother worked my entire life because she wanted to and felt driven and fulfilled by work, and I never felt deprived of her attention or affection. She never wanted to take care of me full time and never felt that she had to. I'm sure she felt torn at times, especially in the eighties when being in the workforce for women meant glass ceilings, sneakers with suits, and shoulder pads, but I'm proud of how far she went at a time and in a place where that wasn't expected or frankly, always allowed. My father and mother both did a great job of balancing career and family, and I think I'm a better adjusted adult for it. So I've never bought into this hogwash that children with stay at home parents are any better. Parents that stay at home can be just as fucked up as parents that don't. It's not about location, it's about participation (there, put that on a fucking bumper sticker instead of those stupid honor roll notices). My parents participated in my life through school events, extracurriculars, everything, and still had their own lives. I think parents that are too involved in the planning and execution of their child's day to day activities are raising losers- literally. People who will never amount to much because they were never taught how to take care of themselves. You all know who I'm talking about. If you suspect you might be one, here's a quick test: Is mommy still folding your undies? Then I think you know the answer.

That all being said, if you are a SM that drives a hummer, you are automatically a waste of skin. Sorry, but thems the breaks. Also, I disagree entirely with Ali's assertion that all SM kids are well put together and clean. I have seen plenty examples to the contrary, generally coughing up a lung behind me on an airplane. Dirty little brats. I know writers throughout this century have pontificated on this very issue, but why is it that some parents are literally blind to the shitty behavior of their children? Ali told me a story the other day about a kid at Target who knocked 3 aisles worth of display shoes off the racks. Just wiped them off with his arm. And the mother looks at the employee whose job it is to clean this shit up and says: "Kids will be kids". I think I would have said "Your kids will be dead in about 3.2 seconds if you don't get in their and start cleaning, bitch." I would get fired, but man, would it ever be worth it.

Moving right along...THE SUBURBS! Anyone ever see the movie "The 'Burbs". This is why I hate the suburbs. I believe this movie is true. Maybe people don't start worshipping Satan, but they do start worshipping at the alter of rampant, wasteful consumerism. They become unconcerned with the world around them because they are trying to escape it. They come into the city once a week (unless they work here) and call it dirty, dangerous and expensive. So what? That's what cities are, and thats what makes them exciting. I like the city because you have to work a little bit harder. You have to walk instead of drive because you can't afford parking. You get to go to a corner market or a farmers market instead of the supermarket. You create actual neighbors out of shared experience and even create urban families, while in the suburb your giant yard separates you from your neighbor and your fences create physical barriers. I know this is a gross generalization, and it is just my perception. There are plenty of things wrong with the city. I guess it just boils down to this, and it's my blog so I can be ridiculous: people from suburbs are more annoying to me than people from the city. End of story.

That's not really a constructive reason, though, is it?
I must also mention at this juncture that I am currently typing this while I am sitting on my couch, which doesn't seem like a huge deal, but is because it means I can access the internet via an AirPort, which is the wireless set up for a Mac, which Amy's boyfriend brought over with him from Ireland. Hooray for Wayne! He is my new favorite.

So, back to the issue at hand. I think the real reason that I don't like the suburbs or those in them as a general rule is that I don't trust them. I don't think the people that live there have the best interests of humanity at heart, so I guess I distrust them for the same reason I do republicans. I believe that they have the best interests of their own immediate family at heart, and I don't think they are bad people. I do think they are short-sighted, however. These houses that first initiated this rant were enormous, much too large for single family dwellings. They were like castles, but new. And I just think it is excessive to use that much space and resources when you do not need them. The same goes for the gas guzzling SUVs. I understand that often times a lot of space is needed to haul around kids, dogs and their equipment. But you aren't landing at Normandy, you're going to ballet practice. Come to think of it, the vehicles that transported the allied forces to the beach at Normandy were positively Lilliputian in comparison. The point is, we as a nation are using way over our share of every natural resource, and I see the suburbs at the vanguard of this.

I also don't see the appeal aesthetically, but that's just me. Give me a rehabbed (amber help me out here on the spelling) loft in the city with no fucking yard to take care of and I'll be yours forever. I like homes with character, and ultimately I feel that is what is lacking in the homes, clothes, and sometimes personalities of the suburbs.